In 1989, man achieved a higher level of understanding; a renaissance, of sorts. Baseball was still popular, sure, but it took second fiddle in the month of September, because the greco-roman revival of personal battle competition took the airwaves. With basic events such as "Joust", "Powerball" and "Assault", modern Americans were given enlightenment into what made these ancient civilizations so great.
RENAISSANCE REDUX
"The American Gladiators" ran until 1996, when it was replaced by some undoubtedly more effeminate programming. Fortuantly, after 6 years in Iraq, America is ready for a return to its roots as a blood thirsty super power and NBC sensed it. They brought back "The American Gladiators" and its like I'm 14 again. Actually, its so much better.
The first episode of American Gladiators in 2008 was a two hour episode, no doubt showcasing the best America has to offer. All of the events are back, or at least as many as my memory can handle, including Joust, The Guantlet, Assault, The Wall and the ultimate challenge of the challenge, The Eliminator. As a matter of fact, even the gladiators look the same. I swear I saw Malibu in one of these competitions. The only thing that seems to have changed is that the contestants look significantly less dorky than I remember. Maybe they are wearing longer shorts, but they seem much cooler now; well all of them except Jeff. Ah, I got it now, Its the up to date trash talking.
The one big change is that the events used to take place high over padded something, and now it happens over water. I like the water, because it makes losing that much more humiliating. I mean, when Bonnie dropped Fury into the water, It was so much more satisfying. Do they use chlorine in that water?
CHILDHOOD MEMORIES
When I was 14-18 and watching "The American Gladiators" v1.0, I dont remember any of the competitors names, and I didnt care. I knew some of the Gladiators and I only wanted to see action. v2.0 is much of the same. I find myself thinking that I could do a much better job than the contestants and that they just suck. I remember trying to try out for The American Gladiators in like 1995 or so. My cousin who was in MUCH better shape than me went to the try out and coudlnt do it. Supposedly, the potential contestants had to perform tasks such as:
Run 40 yd dash in under 5.0 seconds
Perform 20+ pull ups
Perform 200 push ups
...or something like that. Anyway, when my cousin who actually COULD do all that came back because he didnt make the show, I realized that there was no point in me trying. I might be able to run 40 yards, but it probably would take longer than 5 seconds. Im not entirely sure I could do 1 pull up and while I actually could do the 200 push ups, I dont think it would be enough. I know when to admit defeat. Despite all that, I still believe that 16-18 year old me could beat any of these gladiators in any competition. Similarly, I sit tonight, on my couch, wondering how these guys arent scoring more. I mean, I could TOTALLY take these guys.
Nickelodeon ran a show called "Guts!", which was like the kid version of "The American Gladiators", but better. When I was 14 or so, they had girls on the show that were 13-15 and I used to judge them based on hotness. Also, since one of the announcers had an accent and I was blossoming into a young man, I used to really cultivate new feelings during that show. "The American Gladiators 2: The American Gladiators" has become a strikingly similar experience for me. Its like Im 14 again and sitting at home in my underwear, watching "Guts!" and trying to come up with an excuse for when my parents walked in the front door and asked why I was sitting in front of the TV in my underwear, frantically reaching for the remote and trying to turn on "Doug"... without my parents.
THE RESULTS
The show ended with some guy and some girl winning something. They move on to the next round of the tournament. More than that, I found a piece of myself that I thought I had lost. I rediscovered that innocence that I thought I lost. 12 years in corporate life stole a part of me. A part of me that used to watch shows just to check out girls and see people get beat up. Thank you NBC! Thank you WGA Strike for causing NBC to recycle an old show! Thank you Hulk Hogan! Thank you George Bush!
